American Short Fiction

I like all short things and lucky enough for me, the nice people at American Short Fiction liked me back.

HERE is a story I wrote and HERE is where I talk about hay falling from my pockets and how unpopular my work was in grad school.

Back Tuck

I have a little book of short fiction coming out next year from Magic Helicopter Press. The cover art is really nice, isn't it? Tag made it. Mike Young of MHP is also really nice. Thanks for inviting me to make a little book, Mike Young!

IT IS AWESOME

I got a twitter.

AWESOME: EVERYDAY GENIUS

I have a story up here, at EVERYDAY GENIUS. Secret: it's a novel excerpt. Shhh.

So what's awesome today? The Pandora station I have is playing Death Cab for Cutie. I really like them, no matter what, because my mom is friends with the bass player's mom. When I was growing up she would say stuff like, "I guess Sue's son's band is doing all right. He has that band with the weird name -- Taxi Cab of Death?"

NOT AWESOME YET

I sent out like a hundred emails I think. Now all I do is wait for people to decide whether to pick me or not. Pick me! Pick me! Pick me! So far five people have said, "Maybe." Every time I have new email I think, This could be it! I could be picked. It is sort of an awesome feeling. Sort of not. I am very impatient.

NOT AWESOME

We were hoping here at Tankpony that this day would never come. But alas, a time of not-awesome must descend over us all. What is not awesome is my job trying to force me to work on Friday. That is a full week after my original last day! What is not awesome is how fearful I feel about pushing for my compromised last day (tomorrow). Crying kids are not awesome; let's be honest. There were far too many scream-criers today to sugarcoat this. Let's think, what could be awesome? Once I saw a kid put a bunch of blocks in a square shape then get inside and yell MOO MOO MOO over and over again. That was awesome. The time approaching of job change will be awesome. Going to bed with a book, right now, that will be awesome.

IT IS AWESOME: VACATION EDITION

Welcome back to a special production of IT IS AWESOME. Here are some awesome outtakes of my short vacation to Seattle.

The movie Practical Magic, starring Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman, is awesome. My best friend is going to have an awesome wedding today. I am going to give an awesome toast. The blogger Sexpigeon is going to look awesome in his suit. The weather will be awesome. The bottle of tequila in my bag is going to taste awesome. Overall, there is an awesome day to be had. That's all the awesome for now, folks. Keep at it.

IT IS AWESOME

Welcome to a new feature of this blog called IT IS AWESOME.

It is awesome that I quit my job today. It is awesome that I will work entirely from home from now on. It is awesome that I don't have to wear any t-shirts I don't want to wear. It is awesome that I could wear underwear all day and no one would know.

It is awesome that the market downstairs has Mr. Brown coffee for seventy-five cents. It is awesome how sunny and sweaty today was. It is awesome how I am fifteen essays deep into grading. It is awesome how I can take a bath soon.

Necessary Fiction

Here I am trying to make myself laugh (not hard to do):

Funny Bones at Necessary Fiction.

INTERVIEW

I am talking about tigers here:

http://www.pankmagazine.com/pankblog/?p=5418.

INTERVIEW

I am talking about cats here:

http://www.smokelong.com/interview/jengann28.asp

The mayor sat on the hood of his car, glaring into a puddle. Three miniature buffalo trotted toward a lone fountain drink. Overhead, clouds smashed against a screen of sky. The sun was nowhere around but still, the parking lot's cement was warm for everyone.

HOW TO BE HAPPY IN ANY MAJOR CITY OR MALL

Go straight to a large clothing store. Preferably this store will have white tiles and play pop music. Ideally, this store will sell the majority of its items for under fifty dollars. Look only at those for sale in the twenty dollar range.

If you're about to get flown home for a funeral, pick something gray you can wear some other time. Try on at least ten others just to be sure. Don't get stuck making conversation in the dressing room. No one cares how long the line is. Tune out the voice of people and hear only the music overhead, every last word in solid gold sincerity.

Hopefully your store has multiple levels. Climb the stairs or escalator, then go back down. Feel free to cry if a crazy person approaches. Escape by coaxing your credit card from its fold. But don't really buy anything unless you have to. The point is more to try things on and hate them. If not for a funeral or to funnel your anger elsewhere, ditch whatever you're buying in the accessories bins.

Maybe allow for a single spring shoot of love, perhaps one clothing item resting on your arm. Be sure to remember the store's whitest tiles and blackest edges and refrain from speaking to anyone you know for hours after.

SELLING ITEMS ON THE INTERNET

Oh, hello, you're from craigslist? I don't remember you or your email. Okay, okay, the dresser. Yes, you can have the dresser. How strong are you? How many arms can you bring over? I would rather stand at the top of the stairs and shout if one of the knobs falls off. Yeah, you could take the drawers out. But what's the challenge in that? Do you seriously think you can't do it the way it is?

Hey, would you like this bicycle tire? Try spitting in it and watch for something to come through. If nothing does, there probably aren't any holes. What's a probably worth in today's world? I'd say it's as good as these five boxes of eco-friendly laundry detergent. Each box is about half full, which seems to be sort of a "the Earth is half full of recyclables" statement. What makes more a statement than old board games? Here, take four. Four and a half. You can make your own game pieces. Delight your friends!

IMPORTANT HOUSING UPDATE

Getting a new apartment is nearly impossible! Getting a new apartment is akin to volunteering or working with children. You don't get paid anything, no one is sincerely nice to you, and at the end of the day, any thanks coming your way are your own.

To get a new apartment, you have to bark orders into the phone. You have to be pushy and schedule appointments on top of appointments. The only acceptable writing materials are a pen without a cap and an envelope, probably one containing a utility bill for your old apartment. That old apartment is meaningless now. Get hungry eyes! See the new, new, new. Become you, you, you.

Get a new voice, get a new email, get super charged Craigslist eyes. Stalk the columns. Separate ads from each other. Know the rental companies, the short cuts in applications, the fastest way to beat another's application with your own. Offer to pay and pay now. Carry your checkbook like it's a change purse and use it just as often. Leave annoying messages in mysterious language. Phrases like "move forward" and "looking forward to it." If you're not a professional, you're probably moving backward in life, so the word "forward" is especially foreign. It can't be anymore. You're looking for a new apartment. Embrace the foreign. Gain the domestic.

I'm grading research papers in Chelsea Market because my friend works here. Ate a breakfast sandwich from a place with the slogan: UNBAGELIEVABLE. I'm trying to figure out to make a pop music Pandora station so I can concentrate. A story of mine is featured here today: Fiction Daily.

Annalemma is a good magazine. You should buy it. I'm going to, once I have an address that works for longer than a few weeks. I hope I finish these essays on time. I hope Iowa doesn't get upset with me. Here is my story at Annalemma. I like the illustration with it so much. Here is a link to the illustrator, Shen Plum.

HOW TO ATTEND A FASHION PARTY

There is no list! That line of thinking is totally incorrect. What you need instead is a costume of designer-wear. Unless you're famous, don't bother coming if you're fat. See my previous post on McDonald's if this is the case.

In costume, sweep into a super secret area of somewhere so elite it's known existence is practically secret. Look at everyone. Then look at everyone again. Act as though you're really drinking in what they're wearing. Instead, replay some episodes of internet TV inside your brain. This is a key viewing time, no other time will be this uninterrupted.

Keep on looking. Keep on drinking. Remember that if you've been drinking, alcohol is your appetizer, half your main course, and dessert all poured into a single glass. There is no such thing as food at alcohol parties. If you're into free food, exit fashion and enter some other industry.

Go look! Even if you don't care, everything is short. And the website is so, so nice looking.

Ways to Blog:

Diary style
Teenage girl style (internet slang)
Lists
Pictures of friends (not comprehensive enough to see whole outfits)
Fake news stories
Real news stories
Shots of food
With a black background and long paragraphs

IMPORTANT DINING UPDATE

There's a great hidden gem restaurant in San Francisco's Mission district (where I live)!

It's called McDonald's and it's right across from the BART station.

My favorite thing about this McD's is the space in it. Desire a booth? Seat yourself! Stretch your legs out! Stop worrying about brushing your butt against someone's appetizer! Spread out, settle in, and dip your nuggets in some sauce, uninterrupted.

I recommend enjoying this gem as a happy loner or in the company of one like-minded individual.

P.S.

I hate blogging! I'm no good at it, and I think it's really hard. How do you do this without feeling like a jerk?

Tiger Town

Tiger Town

Grad School Thesis

You can read my story, "Back Tuck," here: elimae.

elimae

I have a story forthcoming at elimae. I think elimae's fiction editor, Kim Chinquee, is a really incredible writer, so if you haven't read anything by her go do it.

Smokelong Weekly

My story is up here: Smokelong Quarterly. Go look!

Also, a few weeks ago I recorded myself reading a story about giraffes for Colin Winnette's reading series, Tex Gallery. The readings take place in Denton, Texas and if you're in the area, you should email Colin at cwinnette@gmail.com for more details.

Hello!

Hi.