Oh, hello, you're from craigslist? I don't remember you or your email. Okay, okay, the dresser. Yes, you can have the dresser. How strong are you? How many arms can you bring over? I would rather stand at the top of the stairs and shout if one of the knobs falls off. Yeah, you could take the drawers out. But what's the challenge in that? Do you seriously think you can't do it the way it is?
Hey, would you like this bicycle tire? Try spitting in it and watch for something to come through. If nothing does, there probably aren't any holes. What's a probably worth in today's world? I'd say it's as good as these five boxes of eco-friendly laundry detergent. Each box is about half full, which seems to be sort of a "the Earth is half full of recyclables" statement. What makes more a statement than old board games? Here, take four. Four and a half. You can make your own game pieces. Delight your friends!
Monday, June 28, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
IMPORTANT HOUSING UPDATE
Getting a new apartment is nearly impossible! Getting a new apartment is akin to volunteering or working with children. You don't get paid anything, no one is sincerely nice to you, and at the end of the day, any thanks coming your way are your own.
To get a new apartment, you have to bark orders into the phone. You have to be pushy and schedule appointments on top of appointments. The only acceptable writing materials are a pen without a cap and an envelope, probably one containing a utility bill for your old apartment. That old apartment is meaningless now. Get hungry eyes! See the new, new, new. Become you, you, you.
Get a new voice, get a new email, get super charged Craigslist eyes. Stalk the columns. Separate ads from each other. Know the rental companies, the short cuts in applications, the fastest way to beat another's application with your own. Offer to pay and pay now. Carry your checkbook like it's a change purse and use it just as often. Leave annoying messages in mysterious language. Phrases like "move forward" and "looking forward to it." If you're not a professional, you're probably moving backward in life, so the word "forward" is especially foreign. It can't be anymore. You're looking for a new apartment. Embrace the foreign. Gain the domestic.
To get a new apartment, you have to bark orders into the phone. You have to be pushy and schedule appointments on top of appointments. The only acceptable writing materials are a pen without a cap and an envelope, probably one containing a utility bill for your old apartment. That old apartment is meaningless now. Get hungry eyes! See the new, new, new. Become you, you, you.
Get a new voice, get a new email, get super charged Craigslist eyes. Stalk the columns. Separate ads from each other. Know the rental companies, the short cuts in applications, the fastest way to beat another's application with your own. Offer to pay and pay now. Carry your checkbook like it's a change purse and use it just as often. Leave annoying messages in mysterious language. Phrases like "move forward" and "looking forward to it." If you're not a professional, you're probably moving backward in life, so the word "forward" is especially foreign. It can't be anymore. You're looking for a new apartment. Embrace the foreign. Gain the domestic.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
I'm grading research papers in Chelsea Market because my friend works here. Ate a breakfast sandwich from a place with the slogan: UNBAGELIEVABLE. I'm trying to figure out to make a pop music Pandora station so I can concentrate. A story of mine is featured here today: Fiction Daily.
Annalemma is a good magazine. You should buy it. I'm going to, once I have an address that works for longer than a few weeks. I hope I finish these essays on time. I hope Iowa doesn't get upset with me. Here is my story at Annalemma. I like the illustration with it so much. Here is a link to the illustrator, Shen Plum.
Annalemma is a good magazine. You should buy it. I'm going to, once I have an address that works for longer than a few weeks. I hope I finish these essays on time. I hope Iowa doesn't get upset with me. Here is my story at Annalemma. I like the illustration with it so much. Here is a link to the illustrator, Shen Plum.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
HOW TO ATTEND A FASHION PARTY
There is no list! That line of thinking is totally incorrect. What you need instead is a costume of designer-wear. Unless you're famous, don't bother coming if you're fat. See my previous post on McDonald's if this is the case.
In costume, sweep into a super secret area of somewhere so elite it's known existence is practically secret. Look at everyone. Then look at everyone again. Act as though you're really drinking in what they're wearing. Instead, replay some episodes of internet TV inside your brain. This is a key viewing time, no other time will be this uninterrupted.
Keep on looking. Keep on drinking. Remember that if you've been drinking, alcohol is your appetizer, half your main course, and dessert all poured into a single glass. There is no such thing as food at alcohol parties. If you're into free food, exit fashion and enter some other industry.
In costume, sweep into a super secret area of somewhere so elite it's known existence is practically secret. Look at everyone. Then look at everyone again. Act as though you're really drinking in what they're wearing. Instead, replay some episodes of internet TV inside your brain. This is a key viewing time, no other time will be this uninterrupted.
Keep on looking. Keep on drinking. Remember that if you've been drinking, alcohol is your appetizer, half your main course, and dessert all poured into a single glass. There is no such thing as food at alcohol parties. If you're into free food, exit fashion and enter some other industry.
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