Necessary Fiction

Here I am trying to make myself laugh (not hard to do):

Funny Bones at Necessary Fiction.

INTERVIEW

I am talking about tigers here:

http://www.pankmagazine.com/pankblog/?p=5418.

INTERVIEW

I am talking about cats here:

http://www.smokelong.com/interview/jengann28.asp

The mayor sat on the hood of his car, glaring into a puddle. Three miniature buffalo trotted toward a lone fountain drink. Overhead, clouds smashed against a screen of sky. The sun was nowhere around but still, the parking lot's cement was warm for everyone.

HOW TO BE HAPPY IN ANY MAJOR CITY OR MALL

Go straight to a large clothing store. Preferably this store will have white tiles and play pop music. Ideally, this store will sell the majority of its items for under fifty dollars. Look only at those for sale in the twenty dollar range.

If you're about to get flown home for a funeral, pick something gray you can wear some other time. Try on at least ten others just to be sure. Don't get stuck making conversation in the dressing room. No one cares how long the line is. Tune out the voice of people and hear only the music overhead, every last word in solid gold sincerity.

Hopefully your store has multiple levels. Climb the stairs or escalator, then go back down. Feel free to cry if a crazy person approaches. Escape by coaxing your credit card from its fold. But don't really buy anything unless you have to. The point is more to try things on and hate them. If not for a funeral or to funnel your anger elsewhere, ditch whatever you're buying in the accessories bins.

Maybe allow for a single spring shoot of love, perhaps one clothing item resting on your arm. Be sure to remember the store's whitest tiles and blackest edges and refrain from speaking to anyone you know for hours after.

SELLING ITEMS ON THE INTERNET

Oh, hello, you're from craigslist? I don't remember you or your email. Okay, okay, the dresser. Yes, you can have the dresser. How strong are you? How many arms can you bring over? I would rather stand at the top of the stairs and shout if one of the knobs falls off. Yeah, you could take the drawers out. But what's the challenge in that? Do you seriously think you can't do it the way it is?

Hey, would you like this bicycle tire? Try spitting in it and watch for something to come through. If nothing does, there probably aren't any holes. What's a probably worth in today's world? I'd say it's as good as these five boxes of eco-friendly laundry detergent. Each box is about half full, which seems to be sort of a "the Earth is half full of recyclables" statement. What makes more a statement than old board games? Here, take four. Four and a half. You can make your own game pieces. Delight your friends!

IMPORTANT HOUSING UPDATE

Getting a new apartment is nearly impossible! Getting a new apartment is akin to volunteering or working with children. You don't get paid anything, no one is sincerely nice to you, and at the end of the day, any thanks coming your way are your own.

To get a new apartment, you have to bark orders into the phone. You have to be pushy and schedule appointments on top of appointments. The only acceptable writing materials are a pen without a cap and an envelope, probably one containing a utility bill for your old apartment. That old apartment is meaningless now. Get hungry eyes! See the new, new, new. Become you, you, you.

Get a new voice, get a new email, get super charged Craigslist eyes. Stalk the columns. Separate ads from each other. Know the rental companies, the short cuts in applications, the fastest way to beat another's application with your own. Offer to pay and pay now. Carry your checkbook like it's a change purse and use it just as often. Leave annoying messages in mysterious language. Phrases like "move forward" and "looking forward to it." If you're not a professional, you're probably moving backward in life, so the word "forward" is especially foreign. It can't be anymore. You're looking for a new apartment. Embrace the foreign. Gain the domestic.